the origin of the word, asshole

Dear Readers,

I sincerely do not intend to offend. I speak from the very core of my experience and with that in mind, I am 100% allowed to bitch about my own kids. What you will read may seem like I probably shouldn't have had kids. So, I'm nipping that thought bud right here. I love being a mom. I love my kids. They are my world. But. Holy. Freakin. Hole. In. The. Pie! My world, aka: the boys, are also my Hell. My pillar of strength and patience had fallen and crumbled, a lot, the past week. So, set your judgement aside as I share.

Thank you,
a very tired and frazzled mother

Oisin is my wild child. He defies everything, even after a nanosecond of me giving instructions on not to do this or that. Despite my being consistent and strict, my firm hold on him is like holding slimy goo. 

For example, we were at Wal-Mart. He got so excited as soon as we got in and said, "I wanna go and check out Nintendo Switch's Odyssey game!!" "wait, let me get my shopping cart, DO NOT LEAVE!!! STAY!!" He looks at me, turns and runs, regardless of what I said. Minutes later, he comes back and declares that he couldn't find the Nintendo Switch. "I told you to stay!!! Why did you go off like that???!!!!" "Oh, I know where it is, it's fine!!" "I don't care if you know where it is, you're in a store with many adult strangers and there are sick people out there!!" *rolls his eyes* "I told you, I am fine. I can do it."

He does what he wants to do, even if he knows that it is wrong. 

Aidan. Let me tell you about this kid. He's very bright. He's shy. He observes and comes off as an average kid by manipulating people around him. He does that because he likes being comfortable. He doesn't like challenges. Whoever throws challenge his way will suffer every breath and step they take. Getting a command or request in (which usually consists of one short sentence) turns into an hour long battle.

"I'd like for you to rea-" "no." "....---read at least 2-" "no!" "at least 20 mi-" "no!!" "if you say no one more time, I'm not allowing screen time!!!" "no!!!!!!" "what did I just say???" (and the sentence is overlooked because he shuts his eyes and shakes his head back and forth).

He's impossible. 

Eitan. Honestly. Bless that child. That poor poor child. The oldest. The most responsible one and probably the one with the most patience in this Motorhome. When he misbehaves, I rarely punish him, because, man... it probably was for a good reason. However, he does put on those bossy pants and push Aidan and Oisin's buttons, a lot. He also uses his age and size to his advantage, not for the good, tho. Today, I had to make a quick run to the store. I came back and found Meraki in a war zone. I was gone for 15 minutes. Oisin had red marks all over his back and Aidan was a wailing banshee. Eitan? He was in the corner with pure evil in his eyes and said, "I quit. I want to go home, I quit being a member of this family." I don't know the details of what happened,  and I, honestly at this point, don't give an eff.

He still gets the medal for being the best member of this family.

I'm gonna regale you guys a tale of hell I went through recently.

Few nights ago (when I was very sick with sinus infection and barely functioning), I fell asleep at 11:45pm. I woke up an hour later and busted my boys using Nintendo Switch and MacBooks. WTF. I was half awake and really disortiented. I asked them nicely to please go to bed and that it was almost 1am, to turn off everything and I crawled back into bed, promptly falling asleep. 15 minutes later, the RV shook and someone tapped my shoulder so roughly that I was jarred awake. Oisin said, "Aidan is really hurt!!!" I couldn't see, I didn't have my glasses on. I bumbled around to find my glasses and then saw Aidan screaming and crying in pain.  I told Aidan, "be quiet!!! it's 1am and there are people around us!! (hello, we're in RVs next to other RVs)." Eitan and Aidan started to do the "he started it" song and I stopped them. I said, "I don't care!!! I need my sleep, drop it and go to bed!!"  Aidan did his growl and stomped to the hallway and just freakin' screamed. I was so so so shocked. So shocked that I texted my husband saying I wanted the boys to go home and for me to finish the trip alone, that I regret being a mom and that I hated being a mother.

I went to bed upset and woke up feeling worse with a fever and felt incredibly discouraged.

There's no easy way to say this or sugar coating this post, they really were and are assholes. I have done my best with being nurturing and patient. I was consistent. Fun, loving, witty and patient. Now? I feel like an utter failure of a mom. As a person. Is my finding meraki journey all about me realizing that I regret being a mother?? The last few days were good and redeeming, however, that little black cloud of regret still stinks inside of me. 

They, and I, are fortunate because I am able to acknowledge that what I am feeling is normal and I also know that I am not alone. I've come to the conclusion that, in the dictionary, the definition of asshole (aside from the obvious physical part of the body) would have a portrait of an adorable smiling child next to the word.

I still love them and wouldn't trade them for anything.