You know, when you stretch a rubber band so far and wide, it becomes so taut? Then you let go, it flies. Or, it snaps broken. For me, last night was a moment where my rubber band was so taut and instead of flying off or snapping, it was unnaturally cut. Just like that.
The ability to completely detach myself from the situation and to step out and watch the drama unfold was unnerving.
Let’s back up a bit. Our trip to DC and a farm at South Carolina was amazing. It was constant stimulation in a good way. Friends, foods, environment and so NOT rv. In a way, it was like we were “home,” and suspended in comfort.
It was fine. I felt fine. It was like a limbo of fine. And if you know me, whenever I say “fine,” it’s a lethal vocabulary on my radar. Then my friend asked me, “when you go back to meraki, what of your inner peace?” “I think I got my inner peace….” I hesitantly said and she replied, “I hope you hold on to it when you get home.”
That shook me up.
For the first time, since embarking on this trip, I dreaded my future. I am talking about when we get home. What then? Really. What? That weight of the world sent my confidence collapsing to the ground.
The best way to describe how I was before starting the trip is, I was a squirrel high on cocaine and trying to flee but its bushy tail was nailed to the cement. Now? I’m just a cat basking in the sunlight and purring away. Or so, I thought.
So, that comment became deeply embedded in my subconscious as we headed back to meraki. I had the incredible urge to fly out of my skin, to lead pedal meraki the fuck out of there to go home, ripping off the plug and water hose as I fled.
As soon as we returned back to mer, it was awesome. We felt at home and even Oisin started dancing saying it was great to be back. Now fast forward to last night.
Chaos. Complete utter mess of emotional shitstorm. My boys had become way too dependent on technology during the trip up north and went through severe withdrawal. Oisin especially. It has gotten to the point where he physically hurt Aidan several times, like real bad, slamming doors, breaking things and honked the RV horn at 10:30pm and I felt very afraid. I thought that the cops would come and arrest me, because from an outsider perspective, it probably sounded like I was doing the yelling, slamming, honking and making kids cry.
When actually, it was the scissor that cut the taut band, I sat on my yellow ottoman and watched everything in slow motion. I truly felt myself stepping away, mentally and emotionally checked out, as I did my best to calm Oisin down, to console Aidan and to soothe bewildered Eitan.
When everyone calmed down and no cops came, we sat together and talked about different things, laughing and hugging each other. That moment was likened to us sitting in a circle and singing Kumbaya My Lord with a tired shaky voice.
Finally, slept overcame them but me. I replayed the last two days over and over in my head. I took a deep breath and have resigned myself to this fact: I have no fucking idea what I am doing.
At least I have some comfort in knowing that I don’t have to have it all figured out yet and that I am perfectly capable of being mommy-of-the-year-medal-worthy calm when I am cut broken.
This is our first trip to leave Meraki so far away (parked in a small town at South Carolina) as we're in the DC area for few weeks. We won't see her for a long time and we miss her tremendously. Seriously. Staying at a really sleazy inn did not help at all. I had hopes to be way up north, close to DC, yesterday. Unfortunately, we had a late start due to a storm that had us stuck at Acworth, Georgia. Ya know, the tornado-flash flood warning type. I swear, we have had all types of global warming shit thrown in our path since we started (heat wave- the 116 degrees type, ice from the hard freeze, near hurricane wind gusts, flash flood, smoke from the fires, tornado warning...). So, we ended up being stuck in Charlotte, North Carolina, where I could not drive anymore. I was beyond exhausted and used Kayak to find a good deal that had free hot breakfast, free wifi to get the boys off of my back and a fridge to keep our foods cold. I found Days Inn of Northlake to have good deal, the photos looked good and the indoor pool/spa looked amazing.
Wrong. As I went to the front desk, I should have seen the warning signs, I was assaulted with cat piss smell. I've NEVER smelled a space that strong with cat piss. Holy. I looked around, it was also the same place for the "free hot breakfast." I gagged and proceeded to sign in. I already paid for the reservation and it was nonrefundable. The young lady at the desk seemed to be high on something and clapped her hands in glee several times because I was writing her a note (Deaf, you know?). Okkkaaayy.
I walked out and to my horror, saw the pool. Whatever it was supposed to be, was actually a building in ruins with wooden panels hammered in the wall and some windows broken off. I told myself, oh man.. there goes the free breakfast and now the pool.
The room. Getting to our room was creepy AF and my boys were shocked. We could smell human piss as we walked up the stairs. I hoped, fervently, that the room would be decent and that the wifi would be good.
No lights were working. The tv was broken (it was a 1980 tv), wifi? It trickled like a riverbed plagued with drought. The remote controllers (yes, plural form for a broken tv......) had sticky substances on them. The front door wouldn't shut fully and the air conditioner randomly went on, sending the dirty drapes floating upwardly, ever so gently.
I know I should have told the boys to forget this place and just go. But, I was SO tired. I thought that our staying in that sleazy inn was safer than me driving some more (it was 9pm and I've been driving since 10am). I told the boys NOT TO TOUCH anything and to stay in their dirty clothes for bed. None of us could sleep. We were creeped out, my boys freaked out and I told them that I wouldn't endanger them. Finally, 12:30am came, they all were fast asleep and I? Not a wink.
I complained to my husband about the inn and he told me to take photos. That was a mistake. I started taking photos and noticed that there were strange marks in the sink and the bathroom door had signs of damage that seriously looks like someone was trying to claw out of the door. The stairs right out of our door had caution tape with furnitures blocking it. Oh My God, I thought to myself, "did I take my boys to a crackpot motel?!"
As soon as we woke up, made a beeline out of that Days Inn and I lead pedaled outta of that area. We had 7 more hours to get to our destination in DC. I honestly did not want to drive that long and I also struggled with taking another risk of a shitty inn/motel/hotel.
I decided to find a hotel somewhere and to be more vigilant when choosing. Rather than choosing price as a filter, I picked "ratings" and was recommended for this family friendly Springhill Suite. We pored over the photos and even googled it. It looked legit.
And legit it is, indeed.
I told the boys as soon as we got into our room, to not sit on anything, to peel out of those clothes and take a shower. It was the fast shower turns ever and I went last.
When it was my turn, as soon as the water hit my face, I heard a chorus of "hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelllllllluuuuujjjjaaaahhhhhhh!"
just a mother who fled from society's constraints and is super excited to wake up to the outdoors, remain braless daily and teach her boys the art of boredom and discovery.