cemented

​So, this is what it feels like. I wondered what it would feel like when Meraki rolled into her final stop. The feelings?
 
Imagine a large area with fresh cement poured over, wet and brand new. Now, here I am, standing in the very middle of it. I can feel the weigh of the wet cement. I am torn between just staying put so I don’t mess up the area or just wading around until I figure it out. 
 
However, my very physical state will be content with curling up into the cement and hibernate, putting the “hide under the rock” into literal use. 
 
I don’t know what I want to do next. I do know that I have some commitments I need to finish before making any big decisions. Right now, seeing Mer sitting on the road in front of our house, it’s a sad sight. She no longer will carry us with a fulltime status, but more of collect dust. I have no idea when I will use her again. Right now, I need to find a good storage space to put her away. 
 
She’s way too big to be put away. She and I don’t feel finished. 
 
The last leg of finding meraki was perfect. It was exactly how I envisioned. I was mostly alone, with my oldest son who tagged along. I was able to go where I wanted to go, to cook what I wanted to cook, to do things my own way and lucky me, my oldest son was on the same page. There were no battles as a mother, there was no frustration or exhaustion in a mental state. It was perfection on every level. We saw so many places, more than we did in months and we experienced the beauty of randomness. Finally. 
 
And now, here I am, back at home. With commitments I have to stick to because of my life decisions I made prior to knowing who and what I am.
 
People asked me, “why did you have to stop?” I had to stop because this lifestyle, the free falling and swimming in experience? I am the only one who wants it.
 
So, I stand still in the middle of the wet cement as I try not to allow my feelings run amok. It’s a good thing that feelings are intangible therefore, that neat area of the cement? Intact. Otherwise, there would be a total random of a mountainous mess.

self portrait by iPhone timer for #thatscarlettdress